Chapter Text
“What's going on out here?” A familiar southern lilt made the flowers grow around Ray for a moment, colors bright and vivid before disappearing. She blinked and checked her head to make sure she wasn't bleeding, now mildly concerned about a concussion. It occurred to her that she could not move. Her body felt separate from her mind in a way that was all too familiar.
“Tessa, Cups said that nobody can, um, can interrupt -” Ember began to ramble at the top of the hill, the shadow she cast squaring up with a comically thick wrench.
“Ember you can't hit clown mom!” Ray choked out, knowing that Ember was wildly loyal to her and when given a directive to bonk by her Queen, she would bonk.
A short scream and laugh filled her ears, and Ember rolled, unconscious, down the hill.
“You're so badass, Tessa.” Ray sobbed out a laugh at the horned clown cascading gracelessly to the beach.
“Why thank you! Oh! Oh no, Cups, what happened?” Tessa asked, soft and gentle, like the mother Ray had always hoped for.
“I tripped.” Ray giggled, lifting her eyes as she came into view. “Um - can you take me to the hospital?”
“Of course I can. I should grab Ember too… she tried to come at me so I had to BONK her first.” Tessa giggled out her own explanation, her face paint freshly applied and gleaming in the moonlight.
“God, I'm so sorry. I should have specified that like, this is a specifically no boys allowed, cladies get a pass sort of situation for me, I didn't think she'd…” Ray trailed off with a sigh. Tessa knelt beside her, brushing a bit of hair from Ray's cheek. Ray gazed at her with wonder at the halo surrounding the Mother of Clowns.
What an angel.
“Don't you worry about that. I can handle myself, and Ember don't take it personal.” She assured her. “That musta been a real nasty spill you took, lemme grab ya before I get her.”
Tessa, a tiny woman of immeasurable ability, carefully maneuvered Ray's limp body on to her shoulders and stood with no noted difficulty. Ray felt safe, though her body ached and her feet were likely blistered from the pacing, head beginning to throb from the faceplant. Tessa was so much smaller than Chatty, who was tall and broad at the shoulders, and covered with muscle despite his lean stature. He was defined, riddled with scars that were stories stitched into his skin that she longed to hear still. Skin she longed to touch, to feel pressed against hers - she hiccuped, then blanched when she remembered whose shoulders she was draped around. Drawing in a deep breath, she willed herself to halt that train of thought. It was illegal to get horny on Tessa's shoulders. Certainly she could talk about this though, right?
This was Tessa. Clown mom. She knew and loved Chatterbox. She understood him and what he was like. Ray could talk to her about her predicament. Sure, Tessa might be horrified that Ray wanted to f*ck a man she considered her son, but she also believed Tessa to be reasonable, with a desire to give good advice… and to see the two of them happy together.
“Hey - um, can someone else bring Ember? Can we talk about something? Is Rachet still around?” She asked, trying and failing to keep a whine out of her voice.
“Oh? You need a one on one? Well, alright. I think Kirk is still here, Rachet is hitting the laundry again with some of the fellas…” She pulled her phone out as she rounded the fence to get to her car. “Hiiii Kirk, can you do me a favor? Yeah - can you bring Ember to the hospital for me? She got herself bonked. Yeah? Okay! Thank you! Wait, no. No Kirk, the hospital. I'm heading that way myself with Cups so I better see you there! Thank you.”
Ray gave an airy giggle, closing her eyes as she listened. Tessa’s voice was so soothing, a gentle whisper that somehow cut through the chaos that surrounded the clowns as a group. “Do you sing, Tessa?”
“Oh no, not very much. Maybe a song around the campfire now and then, but the last time I did that I think I mighta traumatized some folks.” She said, giving a gentle giggle**.
“I want you to sing me a lullaby someday. And tuck me in.” Ray said, sighing softly.
“Oh yeah? Should I get ya a cup of warm milk too?” Tessa teased, gently maneuvering her into a seat, reclining it so that Ray's limp body didn't roll forward into the dash. She put the belt on and patted her head before moving to the driver's side.
“Yeah, you definitely should. You can sing anything you want. I just really really like your voice. You're like an angel. And you glow like one too.” Ray told her, unaware that she sounded delirious.
“You hit your head pretty hard huh?” Tessa sounded a touch concerned now.
“I hit everything. I fell uphill!” She snorted a laugh, opening her eyes to glance at Tessa.
“Well, we'll get you fixed right up okay? We have a bit of a drive til we get there though, so what did you have on your mind?” Tessa's motive was likely more to keep the possibly concussed Clown Queen awake, but Ray used it as the conversational in that it was to jump into the awkward topic.
“Okay so I don't know if I can talk to anybody else about this… about Chatty. You've known him for so long and I'm kinda in a situation and I can't figure out what to do. And it's really important that you um - you know I want the best for him right? Like I wanna - I wanna make sure he's taken care of and stuff and I wanna stay with him and–” Ray began to ramble, skirting around the topic. She was rapidly realizing that she was trying to talk about sex with Tessa. Tessa gently cut her off; Ray felt her hand being squeezed, and wished she could squeeze back.
“Of course, Cups. Don't you worry, I make sure I know who's getting involved with my clowns. You're on the up and up, as far as I'm concerned.” Tessa assured her. “You mean the world to him.”
“Tessa this is so hard! I don't know if I can talk to you about this!” Ray suddenly felt emotional, like her chest was being squeezed tight by wires, anxiety cranking them tighter by the minute.
“Cups, of course you can talk to me. Whatever it is, I wanna know. Are things okay with you two?” Tessa asked, glancing to her. A deeper worry creased her brow, one for Chatterbox's surprisingly delicate heart.
“Are you sure? Please don't judge me. I-I-I think it's bad - or like you might be mad or upset with me… and I don't want you to be any of that because you're so nice and sweet and you take care of all the clowns and and and–” Ray stammered, looking away. Her hand was squeezed again, and for some reason, it caused tears to squeak out the corners of her eyes.
“Ray, go on a–” Tessa began, but Ray cut her off with a loud cry.
“Tessa I wanna f*ck your son!” She sobbed, tears beginning to really stream.
The car jerked to the side and scraped down the guard rail briefly as Tessa registered her extraordinarily blunt words. Ray barely noticed, eyes closed in horny agony, hoping Tessa wouldn't throw her out for her desire. The scraping continued for a second or two before the car was righted on the road. She could swear she heard a gagging noise, but Tessa covered it up with a soft cough and the clearing of her throat. For a few more seconds, the only noise in the car was the soft whining originating in Ray's throat that she felt powerless to stop.
“Cups… I um - I don't like to talk about this sort of thing but… since you asked, and umm…” Tessa said, clearly uncomfortable with the topic but soldiering through because she kept her word. “If you want to… do that - what's so wrong with it? Are you worried he won't understand?”
“Oh I'm worried about everything, all the time, but um… yeah that's one of the reasons… I think he probably gets it though right? He was married before and everything, they probably boned right? So he understands - and everyone talks about it around him, so he's gotta know something!” Ray stammered, panic starting to mix into her tone, “It isn't just that though, what if he doesn't wanna? I know I've been saying I'm celibate and stuff so what if he thinks I'm weird or lying or–”
“Cups, slow down, take a breath. C'mon, breathe with me - in…” Tessa took a slow, deep breath to demonstrate, squeezing Ray's hand yet again, “and out…”
Ray closed her eyes, following the direction long enough for her tears to dry back up and for her heart to stop pounding. When her eyes opened, she saw Tessa's eyes flitting back and forth between her and the road, worry in her expression. Ray offered a half hearted smile.
“Thanks, Tessa… I just don't know what to do, I'm freaking out about this.” Ray muttered, the smile becoming full hearted when Tessa returned it.
“It's okay, Cups. Something tells me there's more to this, though. You're a strong, confident woman,” Ray tried not to scoff at that, knowing Tessa meant it, “... Did something happen between you two that made you feel like he wouldn't want you? Or something in the past maybe?”
“Well… no. Neither, really. He's never physical and stuff with me but that's ‘cause of me. I even freaked out on him for holding my hand around other people.” Ray was desperate not to utter her true reason for this particular spiral.
“Well, what's got you freaked out about it? Have you talked to Chatty about this?” Tessa asked.
“No!” Ray would shake her head if she could lift it to begin with, opting for a deep pout instead, “I don't want him to be weirded out…”
“Weirded out? Cups, he's in love with you, why would you wanting to… be with him - why would that weird him out? He won't be weirded out, I promise you that much. I don't think he needs a birds and bees talk, and I'm sure he'd be just as happy as any fella would be with a gal like you wanting them.” Tessa assured her - and the assurance did settle her for a moment. Ray's gaze drifted back out the side window, watching storefronts and houses flick past as they drove. She could see the hospital lighting up the sky a few blocks away, twinkling like red, yellow, and white stars.
“What if I don't do it right?” Ray asked softly, brows furrowing in concern. “And I'm really bad and awkward and he doesn't wanna do it anymore and I ruin it for him?”
“Cups… are you…” Tessa's brows furrowed again, surely looking for the kindest words, “Have you never been with anyone before?”
Ray flushed with something akin to shame. She knew a lot of people her age had done a lot sexually, and that she was maybe a little underdeveloped in that sense… but why would she be ashamed? Ashamed, left out, separate; they were all things she had often felt before. Things she never felt with Chatterbox, or really any of the clowns. It was such a strange atmosphere, both exactly like home with Chang Gang and more free than she had ever felt. She must have been quiet a little too long, because Tessa pulled the car to a stop. Looking around, she saw they had arrived at the front of the hospital.
“Oh darn guess you gotta bring me in huh? Wow good conversation Tessa, thanks for that too!” Ray croaked, then laughed awkwardly, brain buzzing at the first sign of an out from the conversation.
Unfortunately, she couldn't move independently, and Tessa didn't find the humor in her deflection. She actually seemed to find it a bit endearing, gently patting her hand as she cut the engine to the car.
“Ray, there's nothing wrong with that. No matter what your reason is for not going there with anyone else, you don't have to be embarrassed by it.” Tessa told her; Ray thought she looked a bit too surprised and happy about her virginity, but couldn't muster the energy to be mad at Tessa. Of everyone in the city, there were only a couple people like that - ones she couldn't be mad at. The list so far consisted of Max and Tessa; everyone else was fair game.
“It's weird though, right? I turned 28 this year and I'm still just… this. And now I have Chatty in my life and now it's like, the only thing I think about sometimes. It's driving me crazy. It's like I'm in f*cking heat or something, like I'm a cat yowling for any stray Tom dick it can find. But I want just one specific dick so it makes it harder because I don't know what I'm doing and I don't want him to like… think less of me or something. Or wonder why I talk like I do or something if I don't have the experience to back it up.” Ray told her, feeling half hysterical about it. Tessa averted her eyes at the repeated mention of dick, uncomfortable with the subject matter but powering through for Ray's sake. Ray whined softly, looking to her, “I'm so sorry, I know you're a lesbian and you don't wanna hear about this…”
“It isn't weird at all, Cups. Some people take their time with that kinda stuff, and I know that your gang didn't let anybody even look at you that way without bonkin’ ‘em.” Tessa smiled a brave little smile, hand still patting hers. Ray was thrown by the statement. She knew Tessa was a long time Los Santos resident, but little else.
“How much do you know about me, Tessa?” Ray asked.
“I know Chang Gang raised ya, and you were awful young to be running around with a gang… that the records say that you were missing for a few years as a kid before you popped back up under the legal guardianship of Vinny Pistone.” Tessa told her softly. “I was an officer, y'know. Well, you were older when I was officially an officer, but… I saw you a lot, considering who was watching over you and who you ran with.”
“Why does it feel like we only met recently?” Ray asked, surprised.
“Well, up until recently, you were Chang Gang to the core. Not exactly friendly with the cops, and… well, honestly, whenever I saw you it was in the middle of some kinda chaos. I never brought it up before ‘cause it's the past, and your past is yours to tell, not mine.” Tessa spoke carefully so as not to sound like she was passing judgment on them in front of her.
“Woah. That's insane. So I've known you for years and just didn't know it? Now I'm here telling you I'm gonna bang your son? Sheesh. I'm so sorry.” Ray's shame was beginning to return, this time because of her shoddy memory. Tessa's giggle settled her nerves once again.
“Don't worry about it, okay? Do you wanna go in now or can I trust ya to continue this conversation in the car?” Tessa asked, looking her over as she did.
“Oh no, as soon as my legs work again I'm throwing myself into the ocean. I'm cringing internally so hard right now that I might be damaging my organs!” Ray said with a hiccup and a giggle.
“You stop that. I'm not judging you, am I? Now… you ain't gonna disappoint him. The only thing you could do that would ruin anything is you leaving him. That's it, Ray. As long as you're with him, he's happy.” Tessa assured her. “As for bringing it up to him… go somewhere nobody is gonna come looking for you, turn off your phones, and talk to him about it. If you're that nervous about it and it's distracting you so much you're falling up hills, tell him. You guys talk about everything, dontcha?”
“Yeahhh…” Ray said without hesitation; they spent hours talking about things. Everything and nothing, Ray would yap away and he would chatter back, or watch as she paced and listened. “He's so good… how'd he get so good? And he's so hot, holy crap. I know he thinks he's ugly because he has scars and stuff, but he's so handsome to me… thanks for talking to me about this, Tessa. You're an actual angel and if anybody hurts you I'll rip out their skeleton.”
“Thank you for not being too graphic… and for trusting me with that. Don't overthink it, just talk to him. Now, let's get you in there, you're starting to drool a little and you've been looking at me cross-eyeded for a while now.” Tessa patted her hand.“I'll have you back to Chatty before you know it."
