Soulmates Don't Do That (Rewrite) - Chapter 6 - Talonwolf2 - 3rd Life (2024)

Chapter Text

Joel eyed him carefully, “what’s wrong? Why aren’t you eating, Etho?” His voice deceptively soft, “I made food for both of us, you need it.”

Etho stared at his plate and felt queasy.

It’s a trap and he knows it.

He swallows back bile as he squeaks, “I’m not hungry.”

His soulmate stood up suddenly, “really?” he placed a hand on Etho’s face and tilted his head up, “baby, you were begging on your knees to eat yesterday, what’s the matter?” Joel feigned care beautifully.

He shook his head, he hadn’t eaten in almost two days and his body screamed to do something, but he didn’t beg!

“Eat it,” he warned, pushing the plate closer.

But all he could do was look up at Joel with puppy dog eyes.

This wasn’t food, it was practically charcoal and by now, cold.

Joel hadn’t even bothered to give him utensils, not like they’d have been useful anyway.

“I can’t eat this,” he mustered as he picked up what he thought was a slice of mutton, but it crumbled into dust as he lightly clenched it in his hand.

“I’m not giving you a choice, you either eat this or I make you,” Joel bared his teeth, “you’ve starved long enough.”

Etho hated that he agreed, he felt so sick, everytime he tried to sneak food, Joel would catch him and slash a new scar into his wrist.

What stops him from doing so even after telling Etho to eat, he has a reputation for lying.

Etho brought his hand to his lips and he kept his eyes low as he licked the charcoal in his palm.

Oh how acrid it tasted and he felt his throat constrict as it refused to let him get the ash down.

It was so humiliating.

And he had to close his eyes as he dumped the dust in his hand into his mouth.

Instantly, he felt his body lurch and he coughed.

But Joel grabbed his jaw and forced his jaw closed, “don’t you even think about it.”

His eyes watered as his mouth started creating extra saliva in retaliation to the “food” Joel gave him.

When Etho managed to swallow some of it, he grabbed Joel’s hand as his eyes blew open wide as he struggled with the rest of it.

His breath grew unsteady and his soulmate glared, “did you swallow?” Etho nodded hastily, “all of it? If I let you go you're not gonna spit on me?”

Etho desperately nodded and mercifully, Joel did let go.

Instantly, he greedily gasped for air, cuss words flying rapidly through his head.

He struggled to keep the ash down as he gagged as the foul taste left in his mouth.

Joel at least had it in him to wipe the dark spit from his lips without being rough.

Well, until he put his lips to Etho’s, licking his way into Etho’s mouth.

He hated that he noted how his mouth tasted like the steak he’d watched him eat, and he hated that he kissed Joel back just so he could taste real food.

Even by proxy.

When Joel pulled away, he desperately tried to chase his lips, but his soulmate laughed quietly to himself, “you’re trying to get out of this, hm?”

He opened his mouth to rebuttal, but nothing came out, slowly looking at Joel to the charred food.

And when Joel saw no defiance, he wiped his thumb under Etho’s eye, “baby, see? That wasn’t so bad,” he mocked, “are you gonna be able to keep that down?”

Etho nodded his head lightly, and Joel huffed, “good boy,” he pat Etho’s head as if he was nothing but a mutt, “I’d eat more if I was you.”

He stared at Joel, “I'll try.”

“Are you feeling alright?” Bdubs asked as Etho flopped onto his couch.

He groaned into the cushions, “what do you think!”

And he elected not to respond.

Etho moved his neck to look at Bdubs, “is that really all you have to say?”

“What am I supposed to say?” He asked, “I'm not leaving until you tell me what's been going on, but I think you already know that.”

He grimaced knowing that was not a joke, Bdubs can be insanely persistent if he sets his mind to it.

Bdubs turned to his kitchen and threw open his cabinets and stopped, then turned to his fridge.

“Etho, have you not gotten food since we got home?” He turned slowly, “practically everything is moldy.”

He just shrugged, “I haven't been hungry.”

“Why?” He asked flat out.

He frowned, “why?” Etho repeated, not understanding what he meant.

Bdubs exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair, “why don't you care about yourself anymore?”

He wished he could fall through the cushions as he managed, “I do care,” he mumbles, barely audible, “I just can't.”

“You can't what, Etho?” His partner asked, his voice having a lingering concern, “you can't eat? You can't take care of yourself, why is it so hard?”

He swallowed, “I don't know how to explain.”

Bdubs sighed, “I'm here for you, you just have to let me help you.”

“I know, it's just-” he trailed off, “eating just feels so-”

“Scary?” He asked.

Meekly, he nodded.

His partner hummed, “okay, I get it, I'm gonna see what you have and try to make something, you don't have to eat it if you don't feel like it.”

While he enjoyed the gesture, Etho was hesitant to mutter, “okay.”

“So, I can try to make something?” Bdubs asked.

“You can try,” he hushed.

His partner gave a weak smile before he turned back around, “I think I can make a vegetable broth, how does that sound?”

“Fine,” he answered, turning his body to lie on his side towards the couch.

He hesitated, “do you need anything right now? A blanket? A new mask? A hug?”

Etho crumpled into himself, “I'm fine,” he just repeated.

Even though he really did want a new mask.

He could feel Bdubs’ eyes boring into the back of his skull, “you sure?”

“Positive,” he muttered.

“Alright,” Bdubs answered as he felt his gaze move off him.

Etho took a sigh of relief as he heard the creak of Bdubs closing some cabinets and trifling through the others.

When Etho closed his eyes, he could imagine the look on Bdubs’ face.

His eyebrows furrowed deep enough that his eyes were squinting, his lips pursed and nose scrunched as he worked through his worry.

It was never a fun sight.

Bdubs didn't make that face often.

But it was something that would stick around.

And he thought back to the second game and the fence.

When he'd catch Bdubs staring longingly from the opposite side, his face would fall into that.

And it's all his fault.

Etho curled up further, his body curled onto one cushion, his lanky body threatening to fall.

But he didn't fall, he won’t fall.

He could hear Bdubs muttering quietly to himself as he chopped up something for the broth.

He's judging him.

What else would he be doing?

Etho wishes he'd just leave him to rot.

He heard the soft sound of him dropping veggies and whatever else he found into the pot of water and then hum to himself.

“You sure still?” Bdubs asked.

Etho grumbled and he turned his head to see Bdubs had taken off his cloak and was walking over to place it on the opposite side of the couch, a mask neatly folded on top.

He blinked, his heart squeezing.

That loud thought in the back of his head screaming to push him away because why else would he be doing something nice if he wasn't expecting something in return!

But he knew Bdubs wasn't like that.

“Etho?” His partner asked, “are you okay?”

“Just thinking,” he whispered.

His lips smacked as he spoke, “oh, okay, just, the broth isn't gonna take that long, it's supposed to sit for more than an hour, but I don't want you to wait that long.”

Etho groaned as he slowly unfurled himself, glancing at Bdubs as he kicked his cloak to the floor.

Bdubs’ eyes widened before hurt washed over his expression.

“I don't need your pity, I'm not hungry,” Etho spat.

Bdubs stared at him for a moment before he bent down to pick up his cloak, “I- I'm just trying to help,” he was evidently taken aback, “I'm not pitying you, but pushing me away isn't going to get you anywhere.”

“You'll never understand what I went through,” he choked, his breath coming in rough and uneven, “I don't need your help! I don't need anyone's help!”

“I'm not pitying you, I’m just so worried about you,” Bdubs said assertively.

Etho grimaced, “that's the same thing, I can take care of myself,” he huffed.

Bdubs gave him a disbelieving look before letting out a deep, frustrated sigh, “hate to break it to you, but if that were true, you wouldn't be in a state like this.”

A loud hiss filled the room and Bdubs let out a loud, “sh*t!” Before rushing to the pot which was bubbling over and extinguishing the stove top burner’s flame.

He watched with wide eyes as Bdubs, without thinking, grabbed the pot with his bare hands to get it off the heat.

As soon as he did that, he rushed to turn on the sink with his elbow as Bdubs stared at his palms in what he could only assume was horror with his back to Etho.

Without a second thought, Etho got up, his vision fuzzy around the edges as he walked to the counter as Bdubs let cuss words fly under his breath.

Etho reached over him to turn the water from warm to cold, “you're just gonna burn yourself more,” he said flatly.

Bdubs looked up at him with a mix of pain and frustration heavy on his expression, “Etho-”

“I didn't mean to distract you,” he said, his voice wavering as he saw how red and raw his hands were.

His partner elbowed him, “it's fine, this isn't your fault.”

Seeing Bdubs in pain, no matter what happens between them, still manages to hit Etho where it really hurts.

He stepped back, assuming Bdubs wanted space, “I know,” he mumbled, “but-”

“’But’ what?” He asked, leaning further against the sink as the water soaked his burning palms.

Etho shrugged silently, “I don't know, I feel like I-” he hesitated, “have to do something for you.”

“Why?” Bdubs asked innocently.

But Etho didn't respond.

When his partner looked at him, he looked like he was about to repeat himself again when realization washed across his face.

“Is that what you meant- earlier this morning?” He asked, his eyes blown wide.

He nodded.

And his partner froze solid, “and the day we got home when we-” he trailed off.

But Etho was already nodding, his eyes closed tight.

“Void, I- did I rape you?” He asked fearfully.

His brow furrowed as he hesitated to shake his head no.

The sound of the water running felt deafening.

Bdubs shook the water off his hands, “you don't look like you believe yourself, please be honest with me.”

Etho managed a small shrug.

“f*ck!” He spat, “I'm so sorry- f*ck- are you non-verbal right now?”

He let out a shaky breath as he nodded.

Bdubs let out a frightened laugh, “void- I'm a horrible partner! I should have known!”

“But I consented,” Etho said in a broken voice, his throat constricting.

“Stop-” Bdubs said, sticking his hands back in the water, “please, stop, you know you're just gonna make yourself feel worse- you don't have to comfort me, I am the one who f*cked up.”

He sighed, “I thought I was helping, but I wasn't!”

Etho pulled down his mask as he forced himself to whisper, “you didn't know.”

Bdubs only seemed to get more upset as he kept pushing himself.

“I should have,” Bdubs insisted, “I should have seen the signs.”

He leaned his head against the faucet, “and I know you're gonna say, ‘but oh, Bdubs, you were just trying,’” he choked back emotion, raising his voice in frustration, “but I made it worse! That was so selfish of me!”

Etho felt his breath hitch as Bdubs shouted at him, feeling the urge to flee much to his dismay.

“Can you get me a washcloth or something?” Bdubs asked, his bangs slowly getting wet.

He couldn’t see his partner’s face when he was scrunched forward like that, but he could see the way his shoulders drooped and his body shook as he took deep, heavy breaths.

Now they are both feel like failures.

Mechanically, Etho reached into the cabinet below the sink and pulled out a raggedy light blue washcloth Bdubs had given him years ago and had come with him from home to home, from base to base.

His hands shook violently as he reached over Bdubs to soak the cloth in the running water to thoroughly soak before Etho pulled it back and wrung it out before his partner turned his palms up to himself.

Wordlessly, Bdubs reached over for the washcloth and when their fingers brushed, Etho’s brain short circuited at the jolt it sent through his body.

Bdubs didn’t mention the way he recoiled, only muttering, “thanks,” as he slowly folded the washcloth in half and pressed his hand together against the cool, damp fabric.

He slowly turned around to lean against the counter, and when he did, he let out a long, shaky sigh, tears pricking his eyes.

Etho shifted his weight, unsure what he’s to do now.

So, he starts, “I’m sorry,” voice ever forced, “I’m so so sorry, I-”

Bdubs stomped one of his feet against the stone floor, shaking his head in overflowing frustration, “stop apologizing and stop trying to reason how what I did wasn’t so-” his breath hitched, “cruel? Barbaric? Appalling? I don’t even know how to explain it-” Bdubs huffed, his fingers curling slightly despite the pain of the action.

“I didn’t communicate, I-” Etho insisted, “I just couldn’t.”

“That’s not an excuse, that doesn’t excuse what I did,” he insisted sharper.

The two looked at eachother with tears in their eyes and struggling to keep their heads steady.

Bdubs closed his eyes as he let himself sulk, “how could I just not feel like this? I hurt you, I don’t want to believe anyone wouldn’t feel like this.”

Joel’s grin grew wilder by the day.

It practically looked like he was shaking with invigoration as he joyfully yanked Etho’s arm away from the scene on their last day together.

He could hear Joel laughing and cackling, but the sound wasn’t meeting his ear.

Brutal.

All Joel is is brutal.

“Come on! We need to go before Scott comes back!” He laughed as if what they did was his proudest achievement.

Etho just nodded, shaking the racing thoughts out of his head, “oh- uh, yeah, we need to.”

His soulmate glanced at Etho with a much softer expression as he slowly stopped and glanced around, “oh my void! I just killed Scott!” He squealed, his hands shaking excitedly, “we could actually win!”

Etho instantly nodded along, “yeah, that’s great,” he managed to pull out his communicator, ‘just-” he looked at the list of their friends and stopped as he saw who still had a target on their backs.

Martyn and Cleo.

Cleo!

“Void, that felt so good, who’s still yellow, Etho!” Joel asked eagerly.

He stared at the screen, frozen, unwilling to make a sound.

He can’t kill her after everything.

“No one,” he lies, knowing they won't last much longer anyway, “now what?”

Joel grabbed him by the wrists and huffs, “we celebrate!”

Etho shot him an incredulous look, “how?”

“How else would we,” he said before yanking him into a bruising kiss.

Etho flinched hard before reminding himself, he doesn't have a choice.

So he treaded a hand into Joel’s hair and kissed him back with a similar strength until his soulmate groaned and he grabbed onto Etho’s hips and pulled him close.

f*ck- he wanted Joel to pull back already but he hadn’t.

So when he felt that Joel was getting a little too into it, he submitted, letting Joel dig his nails into his waist and kiss him as dirty as he wanted.

Joel pulled back just to groan before hiking up Etho’s gaiter and kissing his neck, earning a gasp from his soulmate.

“Your choice,” he said between kisses, “now, am I f*cking you-” he paused to suck a hickey into his neck that had Etho letting out a low moan, “or cutting you up becouse I need more.”

“I need my strength, Joel,” Etho spoke breathlessly, “people are getting eliminated left and right.”

Suddenly, he bit Etho hard, making him shove him off, “are you saying you have no faith in us!”

His eyes widened as he frantically shook his head, “n-no, we’ve been training but I don’t think we have time-”

Joel’s eyes darkened, “is that a challenge?”

Etho sat on the couch, after being unable to fall asleep for more than a few minutes at a time all night due to his mind replaying what happened over and over again.

The fact that Bdubs was watching him wasn't helping.

He blinked as he watched Bdubs quietly sing to himself as he worked off the bandages he'd wrapped around his hands, a bubbling pink healing potion sat on the floor next to him.

Etho didn't get why he chose to stay on the cold hard ground, but he didn't fight it.

When he pulled off the bandages, Etho saw just how blistered his hands were and he grimaced.

That's his fault.

He sat up quickly, randomly announcing, “I'm gonna use the bathroom.”

“Alright,” he hummed, focused on his injuries.

And Etho jumped onto his feet without a moment's notice, hastily heading for the bathroom.

His skin was crawling and he needed to do something- anything to make it stop!

Even from the bathroom door, he could still hear Bdubs singing faintly, but he pushed that thought away as he opened the door.

His eyes glued onto his medicine cabinet, practically salivating at the idea of its contents.

So, he closed the door behind himself and shrugged off his jacket, letting it fall to the floor with a soft plop.

He took long strides over to the cabinet, ignoring his reflection as he pulled open the doors with quivering fingers.

At this point, he didn't have to even look to find the blades, they were always right th-

Etho's hand meets wood.

His heart sinks as his hand frantically scrambles trying to find the cold metal he'd grown so accustomed to.

But he found nothing.

They aren't there!

Where are they!

He needs it!

He needs to make his thoughts stop- that is the only thing that works!

Etho started yanking out the contents, finding more potions and bandages than he knew belonged there.

He didn't care as he heard the sound of vials and bottle smashing as potions broke in his sink, sending the pricey and complex concoctions down the drain.

Where are the damn blades!

He cussed frantically under his breath as he dropped onto his knees to scavenge under his sink, scattering cleaning supplies throughout the small room.

Like an addict, he started checking the unlikely places because, what if?

He pulled himself up with the countertop and yanked on the cabinet shelf until he yanked it free, antiseptics and gauzes falling around his feet.

Nothing sharp.

He realized he wasn't breathing when he stumbled to lean his full weight into the sink and his vision felt oh so fuzzy.

f*ck!

He let out a frustrated sob as the realization dawned on him.

Bdubs took them.

He hid them.

He's controlling Etho.

He shouldn't be trusting him.

Void, he knew it.

He was so helpless.

He can't even hurt himself right apparently.

Etho cried quietly as he looked at his pitiful reflection, this isn't him anymore, this version of himself needs violence and he can't get it.

Not from others and not from himself.

He's useless.

What does he do now?

Etho saw the remains of cuts old and new gracing his skin, but it wasn't enough.

He needs more.

More cuts.

More pain.

More blood.

He needs to suffer.

All he could do was uselessly wipe at his tears, wishing they'd just stop, but they wouldn't.

And he shamefully knew he couldn’t just hide out in this room.

When Etho looked at the mess he had created, he grimaced.

Through his haze, he took a shaky breath and slowly picked up his jacket with his foot only to drop it.

Frustration bubbled as he stared down for a moment before giving up.

Etho opened the door, taking the walk of shame back to Bdubs.

He could only imagine how pitiful he looked with tears streaming down his face, his mask doing nothing to mask how he felt.

His skin crawled and all he wanted to do was rip it off his thin body and atrophy the muscles he painfully received for all his troubles.

To make it as if Joel never touched him.

Silently, he stared at Bdubs where he was lying on the couch, communicator in hand.

He envied the peace in the way he laid on his back, the joint of his knees on the arm of the couch, legs crossed at the ankle as he flexed his toes in a basic pattern.

All so there was still space for Etho to sit next to him.

Bdubs set his comm down on his chest as he took a deep breath, he tilted his head back and caught Etho's intense staring.

His calm expression in a flash turned into concern, “Etho? Are you okay?”

He didn’t respond.

He just couldn’t manage a sound.

His throat constricted as he shuddered as he tried to stop crying, but he couldn’t.

Bdubs quickly sat up and Etho flinched, his breath hitching hard as his mind screamed he’s going to hit you all because he was crying.

It’s not that big of a deal!

Void, he’s so helpless.

“Etho, why are you upset?” He asked calmly.

But he couldn’t just admit he was losing himself to his thoughts of gutting himself.

“It’s nothing,” Etho manages in a small voice.

His partner hummed, “we both know it’s not, please talk to me,” he paused, “Etho, I know this is strange coming out of nowhere, but do you want to die?”
He froze, “what?”

“Are you feeling suicidal?” He repeated, his expression more stern, “is it that bad?”

He stammered, “I- I don’t understand- what are you t-talking about?”

Bdub rubbed his temples, “Scar told me about the potion, he told me about the side effects.”

“I’m not-”

“Let me finish, please,” Bdubs cut him off, and Etho hesitantly lowered his head, “I don’t want to freak you out, but it can mess with your code-”

Quickly, he caught on to what he was saying and his mind flooded with graphic intrusive thoughts.

“I’m worried about you hurting yourself and-” Bdubs trailed off, as if verbalizing it would make it real.

He knew.

Etho swallowed, “how do you know he’s not lying?

Bdubs gave a small huff, “I don’t, but when you hear someone say faulty respawns, you believe them, and again, Etho-”

“Yes,” he admitted quickly, cutting him off, unsure why he did.

He inhaled sharp, eyes widened before furrowing into concern, “were you looking for the blades?”

Etho’s hands balled into fists as he nodded, his mind still screaming of control.

“I can't handle knowing you're feeling like this,” he said softly, “I think I have to tell Xisuma about this for your own safety.”

Instantly, the pit in his stomach felt like too much and Etho snapped bitterly, “why do you get to decide what's safe for me.”

Bdubs raised to his feet and Etho took a step back, “because I just want to help, don't you see how much this is hurting me too?”

He scoffed, stumbling over his feet as he kept taking steps backwards, “help? How are is controlling me helping! You are just like him!”

Etho turned without another word, taking long strides to get to his bedroom to shut him out knowing it was the only room with a lock.

But footsteps were right behind his own.

When Etho yanked open the door, Bdubs was quick to put his foot between the door and the frame.

That didn't stop him from trying to slam it shut, making Bdubs yelp in pain.

“Listen to me, please, Etho,” Bdubs begged as Etho pulled on the door harder, squeezing his foot painfully.

His voice cracked, “no! Get away from me!” Etho let go of the handle just to shove Bdubs and slam the door.

Instantly, Bdubs was back at the door, but as he jiggled the knob, it was already locked.

Frantically he shouted, “no! No! Etho, don't do this! Let me in, please!” His voice stern, but reeked of worry.

Etho leaned his full body weight against the door and he broke.

Every emotion flooded out of him in a violent sob as Bdubs slammed his fist against the door violently.

“Open the door, please!” His partner spoke desperately.

Etho dropped to the ground with a thud, pulling his knees to his chest, burying his face in them, “why can’t you just leave me alone?” He cried out.

Bdubs lowered his voice, “I know you're scared, I'm scared too, but I’m here for you,” he insisted, hitting the door again at a weaker strength, “I’m not trying to be like Joel, okay?”
“But what if I want you to be,” his voice flooded with emotion.

His partner's breath hitched, painful silence followed his admittance.

f*ck, he never should have said anything.

Hesitantly, Bdubs asked, “why?”

Of course he didn't understand, how could he?

“I did love him,” he muttered, feeling the door shift as he assumed Bdubs was leaning against it too, “I’m so sorry, he never meant to hurt me.”

Right?

It was just the red haze, the violence didn’t start until Joel was red!

Yeah!

That’s all!!

“Etho-” Bdubs trailed off.

His voice breaks, “I know! I shouldn't've but I did, he cared about me! I know he did!”

He heard a soft thump on the other end and his partner’s voice sounded strained, “you’re not thinking straight, tell that to my face.”

“No!” Etho spat, “don’t you get it! I don’t need you-”

“Yes you do,” Bdubs cut him off, “whether you know it or not, we both know you need help.”

“I don’t need help!” He shouted, “I just need my f*cking blades!”

Bdubs exhaled on the other side of the door, “I’m not giving them back, even if I did I wouldn’t let you because you wouldn’t let me disinfect them.”

Etho gave a low growl, “I don’t care,” he pushed himself off the ground, “I just need you to treat me like a f*cking child!”

He yanked open his dresser drawer and it fell to the ground with a loud smack.

“Etho! What was that!” Bdubs snapped anxiously, “are you okay?”

He hastily started throwing clothes all over his room and he grabbed the next, letting the contents meet the same fate, “why did you go through my f*cking clothes!” Etho cried out as he reached the bottom of it and he only found shirts and tank tops and old binders.

“You need to stop, this won’t help,” his partner tried reasoning.

But Etho grabbed his mattress and threw it off the bedframe to find even his hiding spots were left bare.

Etho grabbed the flower pot on his nightstand and chucked it at the wall, dirt and ceramic hitting the wall at an echoing volume.

He hyperventilated as his vision spun as he realized just how small his room is.

“Please, Etho,” he begged.

“What! Am I making you uncomfortable-” he shouted breathlessly, trying anything he can to ruin everything he can get his hands on, “just f*cking leave!”

Bdubs pounded on the door, “I care about you too much to do that, you’re gonna hurt yourself,” he could hear him pulling on the handle like it would magically unlock.

Etho picked up a framed picture of the two of them and they looked so f*cking happy, Bdubs leaning on him, Etho’s face nuzzled in his partner’s hair before he threw it to the ground and stomped on it.

“Good!” He spat, tears forming in his eyes as he tunnel visioned, “I’m broken, you can’t fix me, I’ll never be the person you love again.”
“That’s not true, last night when I burned-” he tried speaking.

But he cut him off swiftly, “I wasn’t being nice! I just didn’t want to be smacked!”
His breath hitched, “I will never put my hands on you- I-”

“Because you’re not Joel? Did you forget that you did!” Etho screamed, the words hanging heavy with that reminder.

When he closed his eyes, he could imagine Joel’s pleasured face, his furious face, his feigned kindness, and his patented smirk.

He wanted that.

He blinked and tears rolled into the fabric of his gaiter.

Etho dropped to his knees and he grabbed a piece of the glass frame and he ran his finger over the razor sharp edge, his breath hitching as his finger tip quickly flooded with blood.

He let out a sad*stic laugh as he squeezed his finger and blood poured out of the small but deep cut.

“Don’t do this, please,” Bdubs begged, frantically tugging on the doorknob.

Etho grasped it in his hand and he turned over his wrist trying to find a spot to mutilate.

He took a deep shaky breath as he closed his eyes and slashed.

A small hum made it past his lips as euphoria washed over him, that’s what he’s been waiting for.

With the second, the slight tremble of his hands was gone and he sighed.

His mind droned out the sound of Bdubs frantically calling his name as he did the only thing he wanted.

Rationality was far from the front of his mind even as a pit in his stomach subconsciously formed at his partner’s desperate screams.

This is all he wants.

Bdubs slammed on the door with all his weight and Etho jumped, “Please! Please! Etho, I’m begging you! Let me in!”

Etho looked down at his wrist and he shook his head, “I can’t, not like- sh*t!” He interrupted himself as he cut deeper than he meant, causing more pain then he intended.

Instantly, it gushed blood and he gasped as he dropped the shard of glass and slapped his hand over the wound.

Etho’s heart pounded as he frantically looked at the door before telling himself he didn’t need help.

His partner shouted, “Etho! What- what happened, let me in!”
He frantically grabbed a shirt that was haphazardly thrown on the ground next to him and slapped it on his wrist making him wince in pain, the light fabric darkening in the blink of an eye.

His once slow tranquil breathing turned back into panicked hyperventalizations and he whimpered as it turned worse by the second.

“What did you do to yourself! Are you okay?” Bdubs spoke anxiously, “Answer me, Etho!”

But he didn’t.

His vision felt fuzzy and his mind couldn’t grasp a single emotion.

Fear?

Sorrow?

Anger?

Or is it just regret?

It all felt so unfamiliar.

“Answer me!” He screamed at what sounded like the top of his lungs, “unlock the damn door, Etho!”

He dropped the shirt in favor of planting his hands on the glass covered floor as his vision started to grow fuzzy around the edges.

He shook his head.

Or at least he tried.

He can’t open the door.

His body shook as the world felt like it was spinning and he couldn’t stop himself from fully collapsing to the ground.

He had to close his eyes to keep himself from vomiting in pain, not wanting to vomit all over himself as if that wasn’t the least of his issues.

“Etho!” Joel shouted, yanking his soulmate by the fabric of his shirt.

His eyes widened for a moment before he swallowed, “Joel?”

“Where were you last night!” He bared his teeth.

f*ck.

Etho was so sure he hadn't noticed his absence, but apparently he was wrong.

So, he sighed, “I was taking a hike, I ran into Bdubs and I ended up making sure he made it back home safe- that's all I did,” Etho said calmly.

But his soulmate's expression didn't waver.

His grasp on Etho's shirt tightened, “bullsh*t! Strip, now, so I know you aren't lying!”

“I didn't have sex with him,” he insisted, “we barely even spoke to one another when we crossed paths.”

“So you were alone in the woods with him!” Joel accused.

Etho shook his head, “no, I took a hike to swim in the canyon to clear my head and he was at the edge when I came up for air.”

Joel scowled, “you're making excuses! Just do as I said, do you not want to eat tonight?”

He felt his stomach growl and Etho put a hand over his soulmate's as he hesitated.

“What's the excuse now?” Joel bemoaned.

Etho made hesitant eye contact with his soulmate, “I can't get my shirt off-”

Before he could finish, Joel snapped, “because he left hickeys on you?”

“Because you hit me with your belt, my ribs are still bruised,” Etho recalled, a bitter edge to his voice.

Joel's eyes narrowed, “oh you're just asking for more.”

Etho put his hands on Joel's chest quickly, “I'll strip! I'll do it, okay? That's why it's gonna hurt.”

He crossed his arm, “okay then, give me your mask,” he extended his hand out.

“Yeah-” he drawled, slowly taking his hands off Joel in favor of grabbing the hem of his gaiter, “I don't have any marks,” he reminded him as he pulled it over his head and dropped it in Joel's open palm.

His brow furrowed as he looked at him unimpressed, “and the jacket.”

Right then, Etho felt a pang of embarrassment, he's really going to make it like this?

At least he'd taken his shoes and armor off earlier in the day.

He managed to shrug off his jacket with only a little pain before he handed it to Joel.

Joel looked down, “pants off.”

He whined, before nodding, “yes, Joel.”

Admittedly, he hesitated, making brief eye contact with Joel.

“What now?” He groaned at his hesitation, “just take the damn thing off.”

“It's embarrassing,” Etho muttered as he slowly unbuttoned them with trembling hands.

Joel rolled his eyes as Etho carefully pulled his hands under the waistband and moved the fabric down until it dropped to his ankles.

Etho let out a breath as he stepped out of them, he bent down to pick them up, unable to stomach looking at his soulmate.

A wave of humiliation washed over him and Etho felt a piece of himself die as he set his pants in Joel's arms, adding it to his collection.

“Was that so hard?” Joel mocked as Etho bit his lip as he saw his eyes tracing the shape of his body.

He could feel his eyes slowly violate him with a furrow of his brow, “mmh,” Joel hummed, “come on, princess, you know what's next.”

Etho swallowed as he looked down at his shirt and looked back up, it was going to hurt.

His ribcage from the back and his side, were covered in welts and dark bruising that hurt when he walked let alone undress.

So when he reached for his hem, he wasn't surprised when Joel moved closer so he could pressed a cold gloved hand to Etho's bare stomach.

His breath hitched at the contact and he fought the urge to jump back, “Joel-” he said breathlessly.

“Etho,” he replied back as his hands tracing all the way up his chest.

Etho knew he was about to reach his limit any second and he knew he couldn't avoid it even while taking the path of least resistance.

Joel stepped closer to venomously growl, “get it off already,” sounding hella impatient.

He nodded as he deliberately lifted up his shirt, moving slow to avoid making his aching body worse, but when the fabric caught on his tender ribs, he winced, Etho’s face scrunching up at the sharp and instant pain.

But at his split-second pause, he roughly grabbed Etho’s shirt, shouting, “you’re so f*cking guily!” Before practically ripping it off his fragile body.

Etho couldn’t help the cry of agony that was pulled from his throat and he gasped for breath as his body couldn’t acclimate to the burning sensation running through every inch of his body.

He watched Joel throw his shirt to the side as his fiery eyes ran over every inch of his skin.

Etho felt so exposed.

Because he was.

In nothing but a pair of Joel’s boxers of all things.

His body was bruised and battered from Joel’s hands.

His body’s muscle count was up due to Joel’s hands.

His body’s fat was down from Joel’s hands.

Etho could see each and everyone of his ribs when he changed.

Etho could see his muscle definition when he changed.

Etho could see how his expressions had changed.

Joel grabbed his jaw and lifted it up and to the side with a poorly hidden smirk, “just look at you,” he hummed as he manhandled his head, “you’re so fragile, so easily marked.”

He wanted to close his eyes so bad, seeing just how predatory he spoke, just waiting for him to sink his teeth into Etho’s neck.

He swallowed nervously, biting back the waver in his voice, “I didn’t do anything.”

The leather of his glove squelched as he dug his nails into Etho’s cheek as he pulled him closer, “don’t lie to me,” he snarled, “you think I don’t know? You ran into- what even is he- your ex lover- and you mean to tell me you didn’t act lustful!”
“I’m not lying,” he begged, “I swear-”

But Joel cut him off with a harsh slap, the sound of his palm cracking against an unexpecting Etho echoed.

“Liar!” He hissed, leaving meer inches between them, “do you think I’m stupid!”

Etho frantically shook his head, feeling his vision spin at the power of his strike, “no, Joel, I didn’t-”

His soulmate’s voiced boomed, “shut up!” And he shoved Etho hard and Etho sharply inhaled as he struggled to stay upright, Joel’s eyes shooting venom straight to his core, “you’re a walking f*cking reminder of your disobidence!”

Etho took in a sharp breath and his lungs ached, the pain in his ribcage feeling like too much.

He stood there like a quacking tower waiting to crumble any second with his trembling, feeling so humiliated.

What was he going to do to him?

He knew he was innocent, but Joel won’t let this slide.

And then, Joel moved.

Slowly, like a shark, he started circling around Etho, never taking his eyes off him as if he was nothing more than prey, “do you know just how many times i’ve been betrayed?” He said into Etho’s ear, “abandoned? Cheated on?”

He could hear his heart pounding and he lowered his eyes, watching Joel’s feet slowly enter and leave his vision, reminding himself that arguing and defending himself would only get him a foot closer to a grave.

And he never knew what syllable would trigger such a ruthless act of violence.

He stopped in front of Etho, crossing his arms, “go on, tell me what you did to him,” he pushed, his voice calm, too calm, “did you touch him?”

Etho shook his head.

“Then what did you let him do to you?” Joel’s eyes narrowed.

Bile burned his throat at the thought, he would never.

“He didn’t touch me, I swear,” Etho’s voice a meer whisper.

Joel moved without warning and grabbed one of his arms and twisted it swiftly against his bruised back, making Etho unable to bite back his scream of agony.

“f*ck! Let me go Joel- sh*t- stop!” Tears pricked his eyes at the sudden, blinding pain, instinctively leaning towards Joel, just trying to lessen the pressure.

A hand slapped over his mouth, “stop being a f*cking whimp! Do you think I’m that stupid!”

Etho shook his head, crying into Joel’s hand, “I’m telling the truth!”

Joel snarled in his ear, “you’re mine, you’ll always be mine! Remember that!”

He nodded hastiliy, his tears landing on Joel’s hands.

Joel yanked on his arm, contorting it further and Etho all but sobbed, “you’re so f*cking pathetic,” he bemoaned, “you think crying like a little bitch will make me believe your lies?”

Etho’s mind was a mess, through his pain and fear, all he had the power to do was lean into Joel’s touch as he tried to breathe.

When Joel’s hand lifted from his mouth and before Etho could make a sound, his fingers wrapped around his throat in nothing more than a warning strength, “tell me what he did to you.”

He choked on his tears, the pressure on his throat scaring him, “he kissed my cheek, okay? That’s all he did, he wanted to thank me for walking him home and I didn’t react!” Etho admitted, “I didn’t stay- I didn’t come inside!”

“You were lying!” Joel snapped.

Etho felt the pressure on his throat grow so he desperately shouted, “I touched myself! I’m sorry- I just- I didn’t want- f*ck-” he started crying, unable to finish his sentence, “I just wanted to get off.”

Joel shoved him to the ground, “you f*cker!” And he kicked his square to the chest, “did he turn you on!”
Etho put a hand on his sternum as he struggled to breath, and he managed a weak nod.

His eyes were glassy as he laid still on the cold wooden floor, his body feeling like a canvas of everything he’d done wrong.

He only looked up when Joel loomed over him with a look of satisfaction on his cruel face.

“Void,” he huffed as he popped down into a squat, “you really are nothing but a lying, pathetic, wannabe whor*.”

When he blinked, his eye spilled their contents, he wanted to deny it but it hurt just to breathe the short shallow breaths he’d been taking.

Joel grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled his head up, making Etho whine, and breathed hot air against his neck.

His voice felt like venom as he hushed, “you’ve never been good at hiding secrets.”

Etho’s chest tightened as he spoke breathlessly, “I didn’t- I didn’t.”

The hand in his hair tightened and he didn’t have it in him to react, “I can see it in your eyes, you are a liar, and I know it.”

Roughly, he let go of his vice grip and Etho’s head hit the floor with a dull thud and his vision grew fuzzy.

Joel put his hands on Etho’s side and he shoved him on his back.

Instantly, his back arched, trying to be pressure off his injured body but Joel put his hands on Etho’s chest and stomach and pushed him down.

He couldn’t help but break.

He started sobbing through his pain knowing he was completely powerless to do anything about what was happening.

“You’re nothing without me,” Joel reminded, “just a useless sack of bones and flesh, don’t forget that.”

The fuzzy effect on his vision was worsening by the second but he managed a weak nod.

Joel laughed to himself, “I bet if Bdubs saw you like this, near naked and mindless he wouldn’t hesitate to stick his dick in you,” he snorted, “or would that be too much for you?”

Etho closed his eyes, struggling to stomach it.

One of Joel’s hands moved to wipe his tears from him cheek deceptively slow, “instead, you just have me.”

He hated that he imagined how Bdubs would react and he knew it would never be a pretty picture.

And then, Joel took his hands off Etho and asked, “now what?”
Etho hated that he already knew the question and he closed his eyes tighter as he heard the sound of Joel standing up.

“Just do it,” Etho said as he covered his face with his hands.

Etho opened one eye and he closes it again.

And then, he has a double take and snaps open his eyes.

f*ck- he passed out, Etho slowly lifted his arm and saw it was wrapped up intensely, layers upon layers of bandages around his wrist.

And then he looked around.

His room was less of a mess than he thought it was, his mattress was on the frame, and-

There was no door.

Etho’s brow furrowed as he noticed the broken hinge and looked for a trace of Bdubs, but he didn’t see him.

He slowly pushed his blanket off and felt a shiver run up his spine.

His head spun as he looked at his hand and looked down at himself.

Joel’s words rapidly replayed in his head.

Wannabe whor*.

Void, why is Bdubs still trying to love him.

Joel was right, he is pathetic .

Etho curled up into a ball, his mind spewing toxins that he was taking as facts.

His fingers shook as he popped open the button on his pants and he slowly shoved his hands down his own pants as he felt tears prick his eyes.

All he’s good for is sex.

Nothing he did was good enough.

He bit his lip as he felt too scared to reach under his underwear, so he touched himself through the fabric.

f*ck, he’s such a mindless doll.

He closed his eyes as he found his t-dick and his breathing rate increased.

That's it.

He rubbed his dick and a whine was pulled from his throat.

Etho he tried to imagine this was someone else touching him, but his mind wondered back to Joel

Are you trying to get caught?

He bit his lip hard as he slowly moved his hand under the fabric and made contact with his dick.

A low moan made it through his throat and he moved one of his fingers to tease his hole.

Joel huffed as Etho let out a breathless moan from where Joel had him blindfolded and writhing under Joel's hands.

He kissed up his neck as he grinded against Etho's thigh, the fabric of his pants starting to feel like a carpet burn.

When Joel moved away from his neck, Etho moaned loudly, his mouth gaping open.

“Don't worry, baby, I've got you,” Joel purred as he grabbed Etho's knees and yanked them apart.

He breathed raggedly waiting for him to shove a finger in him, but it never came, he instead gasped as he felt a breath wisk over his private area.

“I've always wondered how you tasted,” his fingernails dug into his tender thighs and Joel lapped his tounge against his cl*t.

Etho cried out at the sensation, that part of his body having been long forgotten.

And then he wrapped his lips around him and sucked, pulling the dirtiest moan from Etho.

“Oh f*ck,” he panted, “keep doing that-”

Joel sucked harder and Etho felt an org*sm sneak up on him.

He tried to reach to intertwine his hands into Joel's hair as he rutted into Joel’s face, but his hands were tied to the bedpost.

“More! Please- Joel,” Etho moaned, “close-”

And then he stopped.

Etho cried but Joel shut him up quickly by kissing him with his filthy tongue.

He hates that he moaned at the taste of himself, but it was so good.

Joel pulled back enough to whisper against his lips, “only good girls get to finish.”

He stared at Joel with wide eyes and before he could cry, “but I'm good,” Joel's lips were on his again.

But f*ck, it was too much.

Etho whined as he took his hand off himself and desperately reached for something- anything and he picked up a spare pillow.

Etho shimmied his pants off and he locked the pillow between his knees.

His thighs squeezed the plush pillow and he hesitantly moved his hips, a small spark running up his spine.

He let out a tiny groan at the pressure and he thought about Joel again.

What would he say?

What would he do?

Void, this is so wrong.

Getting off thinking about getting raped?
Kill me now , he thought.

Joel nipped at his neck and laughed in his ear as Etho squirmed, “do you want something, baby?”

He panted for breath, “please- please- it’s been- been how long- f*ck, just let do it, please.”

His teeth grazed his ear, “that was five,” Etho let out a delectable whimper, “don’t worry your pretty head, it’ll be over when I say it is.”

“I’m good, I’m good,” he pleaded desperately, “anything, please!”

His soulmate chuckled, his hot breath whisking against his neck, “oh, babe, have I broken you that far? Can’t even tell me what you want anymore.”

Etho nodded, his ankles trying to pull him closer.

And he laughed.

He found it so funny.

But he didn’t have the mind to care anymore, he was right.

Joel slowly moved away from his neck with a mirthful expression, “go on, tell me what you want me to do.”

Etho felt the bed shake as he desperately tried to grab Joel to maneuver him, but he couldn’t

And he kept f*cking laughing.

Joel rested his head on Etho’s heaving chest, “give me the word, Etho.”

He let out a quiet sound and Joel gave him a babbied look.

“Fine, I’ll just do what I want, good? Good,” Joel spoke in a flat tone, “how does that sound?”

Etho whined, feeling so far from his own mind, forgetting this was nothing more than a cruel punishment.

His soulmate traced his hands up Etho’s sides as he sunk his teeth cruelly into Etho’s chest.

He let out a yelp of pain, before his breathing got lost into pants, his body reacting far differently.

Joel loves him- that’s what this is!

He’s enjoying it!
Right?

Slowly, as his hands moved down, he applied pressure as if he was trying to feel the divet between each and every single one of his bruised ribs.

Etho let out a shameful sound as Joel’s hands landed on his hips and he gripped them tight, pulling them forward, adding an addicting strain to his arms.

His hands moved inwards meticulously, following the shape of his pelvis and Joel snorted, “I forgot you can feel your heartbeat there, you’re just like a frightened mouse.”

He squirmed against the sheets, staring at Joel through the blindfold.

Joel sunk his nails into Etho’s inner thighs and his hips bucked towards the contact.

Etho winced, instantly knowing he f*cked up.

But Joel just gave a low laugh, “look at you?” His breath hitting his thigh, “so needy, thank you for recognizing your mistake, I’ll have to make it six I guess.”

Tears started to roll down his cheeks as he struggled to stay as still as possible as he gripped Etho’s thighs and pulled them apart until it hurt.

He felt Joel’s hair graze against his most sensitive area.

Instinctively, his back arched and that got a disapproving hum from Joel.

“You know I could leave you like this,” he said flatly, “you need to learn to listen to orders, what would you even do?”

Etho breathed in ragged gasps for a moment before he realized Joel wanted an answer.

He fought the fog in his head to cry out, “I don’t know!”

Joel growled, “that’s not an answer, what would you do, leaving you here, tied up and blindfolded.”

“I- I’d cry from you to come back,” he begged, “please-”

He teased a hand around where he wanted it, “but I’m not there, what would you do about your little problem here?” He slid his fingers against his slick hole.

Even that little stimulation got him to moan, “I’d get myself off-”

“How?” Joel snapped.

Etho closed his eyes behind the blindfold, “I- I’m flexible, I’d uh- uhm,” he tested his arms, they’re not going anywhere, “I could- I don't know Joel, grind against something.”

“Against what,” he challenged his breath tantalizingly close to where Etho wanted it.

He let out a raspy breath, “my- foot, it's all I'd have.”

Joel hummed as if that answer was satisfying enough for him.

And without warning, he felt something at his c*nt.

And then it dipped in.

f*ck, that feels wrong.

Etho fully discarded his pants, moaning shamelessly as he scissored two fingers in his hole.

His mind screamed for more.

More.

As Etho attempted to add a third, his hole burned and he moaned Joel's name and he panted as he kept pushing himself.

Broken moans slipping from his lips one after another.

Void, he knows this is so wrong, but it feels so right.

Joel pressed his hands hard on Etho's hips as he pulled back one last time, “you did good, princess,” he huffed, “do you want your reward?”

He let out a long moan, “J-”

“Actually, I don't care, I really want to f*ck you like this,” he snided.

Etho nodded his head, desperately fighting the urge to move.

When Joel moved, it was quick, his legs were over his soulmate's shoulders and his arms braced on either side of Etho's head.

Joel grabbed Etho's cheek and growled, “look at me while I hurt your little ego.”

And he listened.

Joel shifted and it wasn't long until he felt something hard press against the entrance of his c*nt.

Etho's expression was quickly lost to pleasure.

But his soulmate yanked his head forward, “keep your damn eyes open!”

“Sorry-” he gasped as Joel pushed in with no warning without making the realization, how does he know?

Not again, he thought as Joel met his physical limit and pushed himself against it.

Etho felt his tears flood his eyes as he muffled sounds of pain as he hit that spot over and over again.

Joel let go of his chin and he whispered in his ear, “do tell, what is this?” He asked with a thrust that made Etho sob.

His mind screamed to not answer, but the urge to do it anyways was stronger.

“M-my cervix,” he panted.

Joel purposefully hit it hard again, speaking right against his ear, “aw, baby, and how does it feel when I touch it?”

Etho cried out in pain, “it hurts! f*ck, Joel- too much pain!”

He hummed, “do you think you get to make the rules now?”

“No-” he whined.

“That's what I thought,” and he quickly started to fold Etho even further as he started a rough rhythm, drinking in Etho's pained moans.

He laughed as he kept going.

Etho didn't hear the sounds of footsteps until he heard a surprised gasp.

He opened his eyes to see Bdubs standing at the door frame, a hand over his eyes, “oh my void- void, sorry- I mean-” he stumbled, “c-can I come in.”

He let out a high pitch noise, as he struggled to answer, “s-sure.”

“Are you done?” Bdubs asked quietly, peeking through his fingers.

His hand slowed, but didn't stop, “close,” he hushed.

Bdubs stared through his gated fingers, “I should come back later-”

Etho cut him off, “stay- please, I need you.”

His partner didn't move an inch.

It almost looked like he wanted to bolt.

“No,” he said flat out, “not again, not like this.”

“Please,” Etho begged, his hand picking up speed.

Bdubs slowly walked into the room and stopped in front of the bed, “I'll watch if that's what you really want,” he paused to sit at the foot of the bed, “but I'm not touching you.”

Etho pouted, “why not?”

His partner gave him a completely bewildered look, “I don't want to accidentally take advantage of you again.”

He glanced towards the open door as if he was afraid of someone overhearing this conversation.

Etho took his free hand and grabbed Bdubs’ arm tight, “please- I need it-”

As he yanked on Bdubs arm, his eyes widened, “Etho- let me go- this isn't right- you're not thinking clearly!”

Etho sat up, removing his hand from his underwear and pulled on Bdubs harder, “I need you-”

“You need to rest,” Bdubs cupped his cheek, holding his ground the best he could, “I know what you're trying to do, it won't help.”

He shook off Bdubs hand and cried, “I'm not asking for much,” he shoved Bdubs down on the mattress with a dull thump, “please!”

Fear flashed over his eyes and Bdubs hands scrambled to push himself back up but Etho settled in his lap.

“Stop- stop! Stop !” Bdubs shouted, “I already said-”

And Etho leaned forward to kiss him.

Bdubs’ hands found Etho's waist and he shoved him away, “what the f*ck are you doing!” He screamed, his eyes wide and chest heaving.

Etho stared at him with doe eyes, “I just need-”

Bdubs pushed him to the side, to get all points of contact off and quickly shot up to his feet, muttering, “holy sh*t,” under his breath before wordlessly leaving the room.

He broke down, Etho couldn't stop it as he desperately started sobbing.

He can't do anything right!

Joel hummed as he untied his blindfold as if he hadn't just defiled Etho.

His eyes squeezed shut at the bright light.

He expected Joel to snap at him to open his eyes, but he didn't.

Instead, he untied his hands, kissed his wrists, set them down on Etho's chest and got up.

He squinted as he watched Joel pick up his jeans and slowly put them on.

Joel looked over his shoulder at Etho and smiled.

Etho forced a small smile and Joel turned back around to keep dressing himself.

He looked at his wrists and he stared at the rope burn before thumping his head against the headboard.

“Don't hurt yourself,” Joel said softly, “I'll be right back, okay?”

His voice cracked, “alright.”

Slowly he buried himself in the sheets, feeling so dirty and so ashamed and so broken.

“Bdubs?” Etho called out when he walked out of his bedroom, rubbing his eyes as he walked, “Bdubs?” He repeated as he saw the bathroom door was left open and clean inside.

He looked over the kitchen and living room.

No one.

His heart skipped a beat, “Bdubs!” He called out again, this time the knowledge that he was alone scared him.

Etho saw a pile of notes scattered on the side table and he grasped them tight in his hands, his eyes filling with tears.

He picked one up and read with blurry vision, “I need space, you really freaked me out this time, I can forgive you for nearly f*cking killing yourself, but not trying to coerse me.”

His hands shook as he picked up the second, “I needed an excuse to talk to Xisuma, thanks for becoming one,” he could see his handwriting start to grow sloppy, “f*ck you, f*ck whatever Joel did to you, but f*ck me for trying to be a good person.”

He could tell the notes were out of order when he picked up the next, “Scar will be over shortly, talk to him, maybe then you'll do something about your head.”

Tears dropped onto the page, “I'm going to talk to Impulse since he's been trying so f*cking hard to get my attention, I'll just give it to him!”

“We are talking about what happened when I come home,” the phrase, “I love you,” was scribbled out.

Etho found one more note, but it was faintly scribbled through and torn in half twice, it looked like it was the last thing he wrote, “I know I shouldn’t do this, but I can’t help myself, I know he’s a distraction, but I need someone right now after what you just tried to do to me.”

He crumbled the note in his hands before chucking it across the room, as tears fell like a river.

Etho reached for the couch and collapsed back onto it, choking on air as he felt his heart race and his head spin.

f*ck-

f*ck!

Why the f*ck did he do that!

Joel is right.

And he's a monster of his making.

Etho clutched his head as he felt his head throb, catching a glance at his bandaged arm, he closed his eyes tight.

He couldn't get the image out of his head.

Bdubs’ expression of genuine concern and care drained in a second, his eyes widened and his hands desperately tried to grip onto anything he could that wasn't Etho.

But he couldn't find anything, so his hands shakily went in the air as submission.

He remembered the harsh way his breath hitched as he climbed onto Bdubs’ lap and how he struggling to sit up to get a better hold of the situation that Etho found familiar to himself.

Etho pressed his hands hard against his eyes trying to make it all go away.

And f*ck, he remembered the thought of what would Joel think crossed his fuzzy head as he made himself comfortable.

But he remembered how Bdubs’ eyes shot around, unable to look his partner in the eyes as Etho acted out of line.

He saw the way he blinked and his eyes were glossy as he screamed for Etho to knock it off- but Joel would never knock it off!

That’s what he’d want him to do, right?

When he shot forward to kiss Bdubs, his head snapped to the side, but not before Etho had already forced his lips against his.

He felt him cry out against his lips, and he could taste salt on his tongue.

Bdubs was crying because of him.

He made him cry.

Etho is a monster.

He was able to convince himself this was something Bdubs’ wanted as his hands frantically ran up and down his sides before he grabbed Etho’s waist hard and shoved him back, nearly knocking to the floor.

Etho had to plant one of his feet on the ground to keep himself from falling to the floor and when he looked back up, Bdubs was shaking and looked like he’d had the wind knocked out of him.

Tears streamed down his cheeks as his voice cracked as he shouted at Etho.

Etho could remember the dumb face he’s made at Bdubs, trying to act all innocent, but Bdubs still looked at him in terror.

And it was then it hit him what he just tried to do and Etho’s heart plummeted.

Then Bdubs, with more care than he deserved, grabbed his shoulders, and rolled him off his lap and shot up.

The look of batrayal on his face will forever be ingrained in his mind.

He ruined everything!

His chest squeezed and Etho had a thought run through his mind.

Maybe he’d be better off dead.

Bdubs probably wants him dead.

He deserves to be dead.

He’s too broken.

Despite his inconsolable shaking and spinning vision, he forced himself to get off the couch.

He remembered what Bdubs said about that potion.

He could be gone forever.

He could never hurt another person.

Slowly, he bent down and struggled to pick up the notes again.

“f*ck you,” he read over and over again as he held them, reminding himself how much Bdubs hates him now.

And it’s all his fault.

Nobody cares about him anymore.

“Since you're always so f*cking depressed around me-” Joel yanked him hard by the belt he wrapped tight around Etho's neck towards the ledge, “convice me why or why not I shouldn't just-” he gave Etho a light push as he met the very edge, making the makeshift collar pull a choked sound from him as Joel pulled him back with an oposite motion. “Wouldn't you want that, to be rid of me? Not win because of someone else?”

Etho put his hands on Joel's shoulders to steady himself, his heart pounding in his ears, “this isn’t funny, Joel,” he choked up.

Joel gave a grin he’d expect from the Cheshire cat and chuckled, “who said I was joking?”

Chills ran up his spine as he stared back at him with wide eyes.

And he tugged on the belt hard, wrapping it around his hand until their noses practically touch, “now beg,” he growled, dropping it instantly into slack, “beg for me to let you go, we both know we want this to end- or do I?”

His hands grasped his throat as he felt the leather constrict making him cry out a panicked sob as he uselessly tried to get it off.

But Joel stomped on his foot hard with his damn cleated boots against Etho’s bare feet.

He let out a blood-curdling scream of pain and Joel slapped him hard, “quiet! I should just f*cking drop you and kill us both, huh? Huh! That’s what you want right, because falling to your f*cking death is painless! Right!”

Etho’s neck snapped to the side at the force and all he could do waas freeze as he wheezed in all the air he could.

Joel shook him vioelntly, Etho’s toes curling as if they were trying to grip the painfully even floorboards below him, “answer me!” His soulmate’s voice echoed.

He didn’t have to look down to know his foot was gushing blood.

He could feel it.

Another damn powerplay.

No shoes when on or in the ship.

And he could imagine his thought process, men want their spouses pregnant and barefoot.

He shuddered at the meer idea of Joel trying to-

Hands wrapped around his throat, “do you want to die that bad! Is that it? Is that what you f*cking want?”

And he squeezed and squeezed until Etho couldn’t form a coherent thought.

Joel let go in the blink of an eye, his face reddened and eyes wilder than before, “you seem to think I make you so f*cking miserable- make my f*cking day! Tell me about why you’re better off dead! Tell me!” He laughed cruelly.

Etho hacked, coughing roughly into his mask as he struggled to get any air in, awfully aware of the forming bruises on his neck from the tight leather and his hands.

“Please don’t let go,” he said in a strangled hush, “I need- I need you, Joel.”

The tip of his boot pressed down on Etho’s toes, “why do you need me? Because I’m useful?” He challenged.

Etho hastially shook his head, “no- no, no, because I- you’re my soulmate, I love you, and you love me,” he took a shallow breath, “right?”

He had the audacity to scoff, “love you? I’m the only damn person who can tolerate you, all your ‘buddies’ avoid you for a reason, you’re so useless, Etho,” Joel pat his cheek like he was a small child, “you’re such a burden to fix up, haven’t I done so well with you?”

Etho nodded, tears teaming from his eyes, “yes, Joel, so well!’

And, Joel didn’t respond.

For a moment, he looked Etho up and down, narrowing his eyes when their eyes met.

He stepped back, inviting him to create distant from the ledge, but Etho felt like he coudn’t move a muscle, so he sighed, “fine, come’re,” he tugged on the belt, “you’re nothing without me, got it?”

Etho eagerly submissed, “of course- I understand, I will never be anything without you.”

Joel hummed, a small satisfied sound as he let go of it completely.

Etho took one step forward and he nearly crumbled to the floor with his bloody foot, but Joel caught him.

Void, he doesn’t want to see the smug look on his face.

“Are you okay?” Joel quietly asked instead.

Etho gave a meek nod as his vision went bleary with tears.

Joel harshly grabbed the belt and Etho only heard the sound of the leather hitting the floor as he tore through it with his dagger.

His soulmate sighed as he threw an arm around his shoulders, “why do you keep making me do these things,” he said rhetorically.

But he just shrugged, his legs pure jelly as Joel practically dragged a shaking, limping Etho towards their bedroom.

Hesitantly, Etho panted for breath as he made it to the sixth floor and froze as he stared at the railingless balcony.

So, he glanced at the little projects overflowing from boxes, old candles burned to meer centimeters thrown across the floor.

He carefully stepped over the blueprint crumpled on the floor by the door and stepped outside.

Etho was instantly hit by a large gust of wind, knocking the notes grasped in his hand loose to be lost in the wind.

He cussed uselessly as he tried to remember what they said.

Bdubs left him.

Bdubs hates him.

That's all he needs to remember, but he wanted to hold onto him before he ridded his partner of having a f*cked up monster as his partner.

Etho took a slow step closer to the edge.

The wind whipped his hair into his face and he sputtered as he pulled the strands out from his mouth, having ripped off his mask at somepoint while ascending.

Etho slowly shrugged off his jacket, letting it fall off his shoulders as he took one step closer.

One more and his toes would be over the edge.

And another-

Would be history.

But he looked down at his carefully bandaged arm and frowned.

Was that something Bdubs really had to do for him, he returned the favor by trying to force himself on Bdubs.

What if he hadn't been able to stop him?

Would Bdubs have been here instead?

Would there have been no notes?

Would he have personally killed Etho?

He stepped on the heel of his shoe and kicked it backwards.

And he gave the other a similar fate.

Etho took uneven breaths as he wiped his palm against his nose as uselessly cried.

No one knows where he is.

No one knows how he feels.

No one knows how to stop him.

Shakily, he stepped forward.

One more and he can never hurt another soul.

Another.

Another.

Another.

Etho is a damn parasite.

He felt froze as he just tried to lift his leg, but he couldn't move an inch.

He just wants it all to go quiet.

If he respawned back in bed, he didn't know what he'd do.

He doesn't deserve to keep living!

He wants Scar to be right!

Maybe they'd all be sad at first, but then they'd remember this is for the better.

He wiped at his eyes and took a deep breath, repeating do it in his head.

He just has to take the step or the leap.

The wind howled and a shiver wracked his body.

He wants to die!

He reminded himself-

He wasn't having doubts!

Etho glanced back at his jacket laid in a pile and his shoes haphazardly thrown around and breathed shakily.

He can't be fixed anymore.

He looked over the edge.

The shopping district was far enough away he knew even if he screamed, no one would hear him.

Would anyone find him?

Would it be Scar or would it be Bdubs?

He doesn't know what he hates worse.

He managed to lift the heel of his foot as he stared at nothing, his eyes unfocused.

He hugged his arms around himself as the wind seemed to be daring him to do it.

Etho gave a small cry as he only had the ball of his foot steadying him, he wants it to all be over.

His thoughts ran so rampant he couldn't piece together a full thought.

He put his hand over his mouth as he cried, muffling a broken, “I'm sorry,” before he leaned forward.

Often when people were falling to their doom, they felt a want to live.

But Etho only felt solidified.

Please let it all go quiet

And then, his body jolted.

Etho didn't realize his eyes were closed until he opened them to his dark bedroom.

He quickly slapped his hand on his chest, desperately feeling for his heart.

f*ck!

It didn't work!

If anything his heart felt like it was racing so fast he almost hoped it would palpitate and stop.

But it didn't.

He cussed under his breath as he turned onto his side and pulled his knees to his chest.

He can't do anything right.

“Bdubs is gonna kill me!” He hears from the other room.

There's Scar.

He sighed as he pulled himself in tighter.

The sound of his cane hitting the ground reverberated all the way to Etho and he could tell Scar was pacing.

“Where could he have gone! I was here-” and then, he stopped mid sentence.

His death must have left a message on his communicator.

He could imagine the panic in Scar's eyes.

And then, he heard a loud clatter.

Scar screamed, “Etho! Etho are you here!”

He didn't have the energy to respond.

“Oh my void!” He shouts as he must have seen his shaken body quivering under his sheets.

He was sure if he still had a door, it would have slammed against the wall loud enough to make Etho cover his ears.

But he didn't.

He heard the clunking of Scar abandoning his cane as he got to Etho.

“You're okay,” his voice cracked as he put a hand on Etho's shoulder.

But he didn't feel “okay.”

He was a failure.

[Bdubs]

His brow furrowed as Etho acted as if he was drunk as he struggled to keep his balance as they decended the steps.

Everytime Bdubs even turned his head to watch Etho, he'd freeze up for a moment and would descend faster for a few moments until he would have to slow.

What the hell did Scar do to him?

Bdubs could trust Scar with his life, but now he was having doubts.

Did he drug Etho- and what did he do to him in a state like this!

Etho's hands clutched his stomach and Bdubs’ eyes widened, void, don't make him throw up.

Especially as he made no move for his mask.

Which, to be fair, was barely hanging over the tip of his nose at this point from how heavily he was breathing.

Bdubs hopped down the last few steps and watched as Etho leaned all of his weight against the wall as he opened the door.

He made sure to hold it open as Etho stumbled in.

He grunted as he slowly made his way to what was no doubtly the couch.

While he made himself comfortable, Bdubs made sure the door closed all the way and he hid his comm away from Etho as he pre opened his messages with Xisuma.

Just in case.

He clicked off his device, pocketing it before he turned around to see Etho laying on his stomach, feet in the air, face buried in the cushions.

“Are you feeling alright?” Bdubs asked in genuine concern as he stayed so very still.

His partner made a sound that was something between a whimper and a groan before he snapped, “what do you think!”

That sure does answer his question, but not the millions still racing around his head.

Slowly, he walked to Etho's side and his neck craned as he glared nastily at Bdubs, “is that really all you have to say?”

He blinked, a little taken aback, “what am I supposed to say?” He didn't think he wanted anymore nagging, but he added, “I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's been going on,” Bdubs hesitated, “but I think you already knew that.”

Etho grumbled as he turned his head away.

What the hell is wrong?

Bdubs hates that he doesn't know.

Slowly, he took a step back before he turned around to walk to Etho's kitchen.

When he leaned against the counter he noticed dust against the wall behind them and he frowned.

Guess he hadn't had the energy to clean.

Bdubs lifted his head and with a sigh, he opened a cabinet which creaked loudly at the action.

His brow furrowed as he saw a loaf of bread that was absolutely covered in mold and beside it was a jar he couldn't even guess the contents of.

He reached up and took out the loaf and where it wasn’t moldy, it was hard as a rock.

What?

He quickly put it back and turned to the next and it was full of potatoes that had roots that were frantically looking for dirt and onions in a similar state to the bread.

There was a bowl on the counter that he now understood was supposed to be fruits.

It was a pile of mush.

None of it looked remotely edible.

His sink was empty.

Etho hated doing dishes and there were none.

One broken glass was all there was in it.

He pulled open his fridge and it utterly reeked to the point he had to plug his nose with one hand.

It looked about as salvageable as the bread.

There were meat and veggies petrifying and molding within it.

Bdubs leaned against the fridge door and he looked over his shoulder at Etho, “Etho, have you not gotten food since we got home?” He had to have it! It's been well over a week! But his kitchen seemed to tell otherwise, “practically everything is moldy.”

His voice was muddled, “I haven't been hungry.”

He stared at Etho for a moment, is he starving himself?

Is that why he's lost so much weight?

Etho had always been thin, but he felt damn near a skeleton in some parts of his body.

He closed the fridge as he turned his full attention to Etho, “why? He asked simply, why has he become like this.

Etho didn't respond right away, as if the question was about quantum physics, “why?” He repeated back in a hushed tone.

Frustration bubbled to the surface, as he held a fistful of his hair, “why don't you care about yourself anymore!” He huffed.

He didn't think Etho took what he said very well as he curled into himself, “I do care,” he whispered, his eyes squeezed shut, “I just can't.”

“You can’t what, Etho?” The words came out sharper than he meant, “you can't eat? You can't take care of yourself?” His hands curled into fist as he let out an exhausted sigh, “why is it so hard?”

He lowered his head, as if Bdubs asked him to tell his deepest darkest secret, “I don't know how to explain.”

Bdubs waited for him to continue, but he didn't, maybe it was too loaded of a question.

He leaned back against the counter with a sigh, “I'm here for you, you just have to let me help you.”

“I know,” his voice cracked, “it's just--” he groaned, unable to complete a single sentence, “eating is just so-”

Bdubs hesitantly added, “scary?”

Etho froze up for a moment before he gave a single, small nod.

And he nodded back, “okay,” he pushed himself off the counter, “I get it.”

Based off the face Etho made, he assumed that got a scoff or atleast a scrunched nose from behind his mask.

“I'm gonna see what you have and try to make something,” he thought about the contents of the cabinets and wanted to shudder, “you don't have to eat it if you don't feel like it.”

Etho made an indistinguishable sound, so he asked, “so, can I try to make something?”

He spoke a little clearer, “you can try,” he said admittedly still really weak.

Bdubs turned back around and he dared to open another cabinet, “I think I can make a vegetable broth,” he hummed as rice poured out of the shelf as the bag in there had a hole in it, “how does that sound?”

“Fine,” he answered simply.

He glanced back and saw Etho had curled back up, “do you need anything right now?” It almost looked like he flinched at those six words, “a blanket? A new mask?” He paused, “a hug?”

But he gave the same, “I’m fine,” although he didn’t sound very convincing.

He had to double check, “you sure?”

“Posotive,” he spat.

Despite his gut feeling, he backed down, “alright,” he stared at Etho shamelessly waiting for him to change his mind or something.

But he didn’t.

When he turned back, he reached up for the most salvageable onion of the bunch and sat it down on the counter as he started closing the cabinets.

Bdubs’ knelt down to grab a pot from a bottom shelf, and he sifted through his pots and pans before grabbing a large pot and it’s corresponding lid.

He lifted up and set it on the counter before he pulled himself back up onto his feet.

He turned on the burner as he grabbed the pot by it’s two side handles and put it in the sink and started filling it up.

And he sighed, void, this is such a mess.

At moment’s like this, he wondered if he was just over reacting, Etho has always been reserved and tends to get tunnel visioned on projects.

What’s not to say that’s not what’s going on now!

But he truly didn’t believe that.

This feels like a morbid reflection of Etho’s current state.

Quickly, he shut off the running water and lugged the pot onto the burner and covered the pot to help it boil faster.

Bdubs held his breath as he opened the fridge and pulled out as many salvageable things as he could.

A few carrots, some celery, and some sort of leafy vegetable.

He took his weak selection of items and pulled a knife from the knife block and grimaced as it also didn’t smell pleasant.

When he brought it to his nose, it smelt coppery.

He looked back at Etho and frowned deeply.

Etho admitted he’d cut himself during the game, he hadn’t stopped, had he?

He hesitantly he pealed the onion and used the knife to cut off the rotten parts of the veggies and nudged them into piles of usable and inedible, noting in his head to take Etho on his next shopping trip.

He was always a whor* for a good shopping spree, and he definitly needed one.

As he chopped up the carrots he tried to distract himself by quietly humming a melody to himself, but his mind refused to be distracted.

Etho seemed so f*cking fragile, he can’t remember the last time he truly laughed.

He messily diced up the onion and he noticed in his worry and frustration, his hands had started shaking.

Bdubs dropped the knife as he looked at his trembling hands before slowly picking it up again and resuming the action.

It wasn’t long after that that he called it quits, snapping the celery into smaller pieces in his hands and tearing the leaves in a similar fashion.

He reopened one of the cabinets and found a few spices, and decided on just grabbing the salt thinking about how weak his stomach must be.

It never seemed like Etho could keep anything down.

From sickness, stress, or something else, he wasn’t sure.

Bdubs pulled off the lid as started pouring salt into the boiling water before doing the same with the veggies.

He turned to look at Etho and when he saw how still he was, he wondered if he’d fallen asleep.

So, he put the lid back on and lowered the heat.

Void, he wished Scar had told him more.

He just told him to wait for Etho to open up, but those vague words struck so much fear into him.

Did he do something to Etho?

Or did Etho admit something to him?

He remembered the freight in Etho’s eyes when he walked up to him.

He looked so small and he remembered the way he flinched away from him.

He seemed so upset with him.

It was hard to remind himself this wasn’t all his fault, the games are tough on people and they barely had time for each other, of course things are rough between them two.

Bdubs turned the heat down a tad before he pulled a double check on Etho before he slipped out of the kitchen.

He opened the bathroom door and he went to check his towel rack for a masks or gaiters, but then he froze and he looked over to the sink.

There were dried streaks of blood on the sink, the mirrored medicine cabniet was open, the mirror covered in smudges and fingerprints, the cabinets eerily empty.

His reflection reflected an ugly expression, so he turned away, taking note of that two as he grabbed a gaiter and turned back around.

Etho was still utterly motionless.

Bdubs set the mask down on the counter as he moved the cutting board into the sink and he made sure to clean the mold off the countertop.

He decided to pull on the clasp of his cloak and he folded it up in his arms, quickly grabbing the mask before walking back to Etho’s spot.

Silently, he set the cloak down on the arm of the couch and laid the mask on top.

He waited a moment for Etho to notice, but he didn't right away.

“Are you still sure?” Bdubs asked quietly, noticing the way he'd craned his neck to stare at the fabric.

As if it was going to jump out at him.

He could see the conflict in his eyes, so he took a couple steps back to give him the space he deserves.

Etho blinked slow as if it were a laborious action.

Maybe he should go back to the pot-

But then he heard him sniffle and his heart sunk, “Etho?” His voice lulled, “are you okay?”

He shifted a little as he muttered, “just thinking.”

But he didn't seem to want to elaborate, “oh, okay,” Bdubs struggled out, trying so hard to bury his own worry, “just, the broth isn't gonna take long, it's supposed to sit for more than an hour, but I don't wanna make you wait that long.”

And Etho just gave a small hum.

Carefully, his partner pulled himself out of his seemingly uncomfortable ball and one of his feet kicked out to knock his cloak down.

The clasp hit the hard ground with a telling clunk.

Void, he doesn't have the time to repair it, why would Etho do that?

He always loved how fuzzy his cloak was and loved how it felt like real moss.

Etho gave an almost proud huff as he sat up, “I don't need your pity.”

He lifted his head back up to stare at Etho and all he could think about was how much that felt like a slap to the face.

Bdubs’ feet shuffled against the floor as he bent down to pick up his cloak, not even bothering to grab the mask, “I- I'm just trying to help,” f*ck, he's crying now.

The golden clasp crumbled as he touched the pieces together and he took in a shaky inhale, “I'm not pitying you, but pushing me away isn't going to get you anywhere.”

Void, he just wants to feel needed.

Please.

But Etho didn't hear his silent pleas, “you'll never understand what I went through,” his breathing rougher than Bdubs’, “I don't need your help! I don't need anyone's help!”

Is that really too much to ask for?

Just a tad of codependency at a time like this?

“I'm not pitying you,” he insisted, trying so hard not to burst into tears, “I'm just so worried about you,” he added while hugging his cloak to his chest.

Etho rolled his eyes, “that's the same thing,” those words felt so cruel, “I can take care of myself.”

Bdubs couldn't help the laugh bubbling out of his throat, “hate to break it to you, but if that were true, you wouldn't be in a state like this.”

He could see Etho preparing to snap back when-

Loud sizzling filled the basem*nt and it only took him a second to realize.

“sh*t!” He shouts instantly dropping his cloak as he ran back to the kitchen.

The lid could do nothing as foamy broth boiled past the lip of the pot and poured onto the stove top.

The gas flame was already extinguished by the time he grabbed the pot and moved it off the burner.

But the second he took his hands off, Bdubs knew his mistake.

He didn't grab the handles.

Pain hit him like a truck as he flipped his hands over and he panicked.

He cussed under his breath, “oh my void- f*ck- sh*t! sh*t!” The pain intensified as he finally had the mind to remember you're supposed to put burns under water.

With a clumsy move, he flicked the handle up with his elbow, and stuck his hands in without a second thought.

He breathed in shaky sharp breathes as the pain steadied, but didn't improve.

Bdubs had to close his eyes to keep himself from tearing up.

He didn't hear the sound of his footsteps until a hand reached over his shoulder and turned the handle to as cold as the water could go.

Etho leaned against the counter, his voice awfully close to his ear as he spoke flatly, “you're just gonna burn yourself more.”

He didn't realize how tense his back was hunched over the sink until relief hit him.

Bdubs managed to open his eyes again and he could feel his partner's eyes staring at his burns that were starting to blister, “Etho-”

“I didn't mean to distract you,” he said quietly as if this was his fault.

Which it's not!

Bdubs just did something idiotic!

-

Bdubs clutched his shoulder as he sat down outside of iBuy which was truly becoming something impressive.

But he hated to admit that.

His shoulder throbbed, he had already drank a health potion, but it hadn't helped for very long.

He's sure when he'd broken Etho's door down he'd dislocated it and he knew it wasn't going to be fun for a while.

When he looked down at his comm to check Impulse hadn't forgotten about him, he heard the sound of those familiar boots.

A sad look was on his ex's face and Bdubs knew he didn't have a much better expression on his.

“Hey,” he said softly as he offered a hand to Bdubs, “you reached out to me?”

Impulse was good at hiding his shock.

Bdubs was reading his messages, but he didn't respond to a single one, well, until half an hour ago.

He took his hand and Impulse carefully pulled himself back up onto his feet, “what's happening? Did Etho take it badly?”

He stared into his eyes and blinked before managing a small shrug, “you could say that,” he muttered, “do you have anything to drink?”

Impulse gave him a confused look, “like- alcohol?” He asked awfully confused, “how bad did it go?”

“Bad enough that I want to forget, do you have something to drink?” Bdubs repeated, his hand squeezing his bicep.

His ex slowly nodded, “I do,” a concerned look in his eyes as he took a step back towards his shop, “there's still a lot of work to do.”

Bdubs didn't respond as he silently followed Impulse inside and he led him to a large table that was covered with blueprints and tools.

“Move whatever you need,” he answered, looking away, “what would you like?”

He raised an eyebrow, finding it awfully amusing, “you have multiple bottles of alcohol at a project site of this size?”

Yet, he put his hands on his hips and waited, so Bdubs groaned, “fine, anything but wine.”

Impulse made a small sound as he turned to go past a partially set up wall to fetch a drink.

As soon as he saw out of sight, Bdubs pulled a box over to the table and sat on it as he brushed the mess onto one side of the table.

He glanced at the blueprints for a moment and hummed, he really was gonna make this place into a full on mall.

But he didn't understand them, unlike Bdubs’, they were less artistic, no colors, instead notes and scribbled lines of ink on the edges of the page from his pen.

Etho would understand.

But this isn't about him.

He hears a soft clunk of a bottle hitting the table, some sort of vodka set down just arm lengths away.

Impulse pulled up a seat for himself, setting down two glasses between them.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a deep pink vial.

“This stuff is potent, it should help with that arm you haven't stopped holding,” Impulse carefully uncorked it and let only a few fat drops fall into the glass closer to Bdubs.

Impulse took the vodka and generously poured into both of their glasses.

Bdubs picked up his glass and was quick to swish it around until it became a uniform color.

He took a sip and he hummed, “not bad,” Bdubs admitted as he downed the rest of the glass without another word.

As he set the glass back down, Impulse made a quick glance at him before pouring only a double shot worth into it.

And when it went about as quick as the last glass he paused, “you haven't told him yet,” he poured, “have you?”

Bdubs shrugged as Impulse gave it a hit of the potion, “nope,” he popped the p, “I have not, the right time hasn't come up.”

Both of them finished their glasses and Impulse poured for himself first, “Bdubs, he has the right to know, we slept together, that's a huge deal.”

He grumbled, holding his glass to his lips, “Etho isn't that innocent in all of this, you know,” he spoke bitterly.

His ex seemed unnerved, “what's that supposed to mean?”

“What I mean is he f*cking slept with Joel,” Bdubs answered bluntly, trying to drink from his empty glass.

Impulse frowned, “but hookups are so unlike Etho?”

“Impy, thinking back to the last half of the game,” Bdubs leaned forward, pushing his glass forward, “did you ever have a five minute conversation with Etho without Joel butting in?”

His brow furrowed as he poured, “I can't, but I see what you're trying to say, but that's gotta be an exaggeration?”

“Joel is a control freak,” he groaned, as he hesitated to drink, “and just- Etho has changed, and it's horrible.”

Impulse sat up straight and nodded, “yeah? Does he have to do with your pain?”

Bdubs grimaced, putting down his glass to hastily reach over the table to grab the bottle from a confused Impulse and knocked back his head.

He stuck out his tounge at the burning feeling in his throat and warm feeling in the rest of his body, “f*ck, yeah, Etho locked himself in his room threatening to cut himself,” he answered, swallowing back bile, “and he uh, stopped answering me.”

He took another drink straight from the bottle, “there was blood and glass everywhere, Etho wasn't breathing when I broke into his room,” he choked up, “but he was okay.”

Impulse wrapped a hand around the bottle, “Bdubs,” he said softly, “it's not your fault, you can't always protect him.”

“But my suspicions of Joel were basically solidified,” when he tried to move the bottle again, Impulse held it tight, intending to slow him down, “in the morning, I checked on him and he was- uh,” Bdubs rubbed his thumb over the lip of the bottle, hoping Impulse would catch on.

He quickly let go of the bottle, silently nodding, waiting for Bdubs to continue.

He cleared his throat, “and I sat next to him, just to be there for him, but-” he trailed off.

“Oh no,” he said softly, “but what?”

Bdubs closed his eyes, “Etho, uhm, grabbed me and he- he pushed me down on his mattress and-” he took a shaky breath, "he climbed onto my lap and he kissed me, like a starving man.”

Even though he basically was.

Bdubs blinked back tears, “I don't want to believe he wanted to-” he trailed off, the word on the tip of his tounge, “Joel had to have- you know, that to Etho.”

And he chugged more from the bottle.

“Don't finish the bottle,” Impulse warned as Bdubs set it down with a rough thunk.

Impulse opened his mouth to insist, but then, he hears a buzz from his comm, he takes out his device again his eyes widened, “sh*t- I need to deal with this,” his eyes were glued to the screen.

“Huh? What's happening?” Bdubs gave him a bewildered look, and when he went to check his device, his ex swiped it out of his hand, “hey!”

He gave a nervous laugh, “don't worry about it too much, I'll tell you when you've sobered up.”